Tag Archives: respect

Becoming You – Developing Self-Esteem

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Becoming You – Developing Self-Esteem

The Merriam Webster definition of self esteem is “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself; self respect.” Self-esteem and self-respect are two important aspects of whole person care at any age. During the years of adolescence, however, personal and social differentiation is at an all time high, with peers playing a significant role in how our self-esteem expresses itself. As you are probably very well aware, your self-esteem is especially a front and center issue from middle school through high school.

According to Marilyn J. Sorensen, PhD, author of numerous books on self-esteem, our self-esteem is formed in childhood, when we develop an initial conscious and unconscious impression of ourselves. What we hear said about ourselves has a lasting impact on the messages our brain records as being our worth or our value in the world. It is these messages or neurological records that get “triggered’ when our peers either respond positively or negatively to us.

During the adolescent years, as you are physically developing and becoming young women and men, your appearance and how others respond to you can certainly become important. Other peer related issues such as belonging or being part of a particular group or activity are as well.

It may surprise you that current statistics show seven in ten females believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members. And for males, the statistics over the past 25 years have gone from 15% dissatisfaction to 45% dissatisfaction regarding how they feel about their physical appearance.

The developing and confusing years of adolescence are filled with exploring and identifying what you think of yourself or what social direction you may wish to go in. It is also a time that you can begin to know yourself outside your family environment and develop who you are in a more meaningful and realistic way. This means sorting through the many reflections of “who and how you are” in relationship to the large world around you.

It is during this time, no matter what kind of earlier conditioning you have received, that you can take control over your self-esteem and self-respect. I would like to share with you a story about one of my children. She has happily given permission for me to share this with you because she feels it is an important story to tell.

At the age of 15, my daughter was very unhappy and struggling with feeling badly about herself. That whole year for her was filled with tears and poor grades. One day, we took a walk and talked about what she was experiencing. She said many times during that conversation, “I hate myself. I don’t want to be me.” I gently asked her why and she said that she “she didn’t think she was a good enough person because of the problems she was having with her peers.”

Not wanting to pry, I did not ask for details and she did not offer them. Rather, I shared something with her I learned about whole health and self-esteem when I was much older than her 15 years of age. I shared with that what is important, at any time in our life for us to feel good about our self, is that when we behavior in a way towards ourselves and others that is in agreement, or congruent, with our personal values – we feel good about who we are. Bottom line: No matter what anyone else says or does towards us, when we act in concert with our personal values, we feel good. Our perception and expression of ourselves can largely impact our whole health, which is far more important than what others think. We many not like the way others treat us or how they hurt our feelings, but our self–esteem and self-respect are high.

When we do not act in agreement, or congruently, with our personal values and inner beliefs of right and wrong, then we feel badly about ourselves; no matter what positive or flattering things someone else may say about us. Self-esteem and self-respect, like beauty, start from the inside out. No one can make us feel badly about ourselves when we know, and are confident, that our behavior towards ourselves and others is from a place of our values and of respect.

If you are working through this natural adolescent sorting process, reflecting on this information may assist you in changing how you feel about yourself, how your treat yourself and how you create relationships with others. My daughter, who is now in college, told me our walk together that day was the most important thing she has ever earned about how to feel good about herself. I hope it is helpful for you as well.

References & Resources:

www.learntobehealthy.org
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/self_esteem.html
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/breaking-the-chain-of-low-self-esteem-marilyn-j-sorensen/1102088340

For more whole health discussions, listen to my weekly radio show Living Above The Drama. Also available on iHeartRadio.

Parents Model Behavior and Self-Esteem

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Lessons In Whole Health: Behavior and Self-Esteem

One day I noticed my daughter was watching a reality television show about high school students. The lack of respect that many of them showed towards other students was stunning. What was even more disconcerting was their lack of awareness that the people they were taunting and verbally abusing had the same range of feeling they did; wanted to be accepted and valued as they did; and wanted to belong within their peer groups, just like they did.

The main theme of the program was having a facilitator come into the school and educate the verbally abusive students on the basics of how to have appropriate relationships. It was portrayed that these young people had never seen respect or compassion modeled for them at home. They were not “aware” that other students, young people like themselves, had essentially the same need to belong and the same feelings and desires that they did.

My daughter commented that it was obvious that these insensitive high school students were suffering from low self-esteem to be treating other people that way. This started a conversation about “where do we develop healthy self-esteem from” and why do some people develop it easily and others not at all.

Self-esteem is so intimately connected to whole health and how we treat ourselves; which is also connected to how we treat others. The role of a patient advocate is to instruct a patient on “how to be in the world” and to provide the training, if you will, to have the skills, tools and awareness to develop a strong sense of self and self esteem.

“Roots and wings” was the expression many years ago, which refers to the stability, discipline and security that allows us to go out into the world and have the confidence in ourselves to “spread our wings” and fly.

As parents we have the profound responsibility of modeling to our children what they need to learn to be both healthy and happy. Children learn with their eyes, their ears, and their hearts. It really does not matter what we say to our children, or what we say to others, it is what we do that counts. When we take the easy way out as parents and do not provide our children with a strong example and foundation of learning responsibility, integrity and how to respect others, we fail them and we hurt them.

To educate our children to be healthy and happy we must advocate the number one rule of liking themselves, which leads to liking others: When our behavior is congruent with our values, with what we know intellectually and intuitively is right and good, we like ourselves. When our behavior goes against our values and what we know is the right way to behave, we have low self-esteem. We don’t like ourselves when we behave in a way that directly or indirectly hurts ourselves and others.

I remember talking one time with one of my children who was complaining that they “didn’t like themselves.”

I asked them an appreciative inquiry question: “Do you think that feeling might come from something you know about yourself that the rest of us don’t?” Several days later he shared with me that it “was one of the best questions anyone had ever asked him” and that it helped him to stop doing something that he felt really bad about doing.

This is a question to ask ourselves and to model to our children, who learn more from our non-verbal communication than anything we might “tell” them about how to live a happy life and support their own whole person health.

For more whole health discussions, listen to Dr. Georgianna Donadio’s radio show Living Above The Drama.

Becoming You – Developing Self-Esteem

Posted on by

Becoming You – Developing Self-Esteem

The Merriam Webster definition of self esteem is “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself; self respect.” Self-esteem and self-respect are two important aspects of whole person care at any age. During the years of adolescence, however, personal and social differentiation is at an all time high, with peers playing a significant role in how our self-esteem expresses itself. As you are probably very well aware, your self-esteem is especially a front and center issue from middle school through high school.

According to Marilyn J. Sorensen, PhD, author of numerous books on self-esteem, our self-esteem is formed in childhood, when we develop an initial conscious and unconscious impression of ourselves. What we hear said about ourselves has a lasting impact on the messages our brain records as being our worth or our value in the world. It is these messages or neurological records that get “triggered’ when our peers either respond positively or negatively to us.

During the adolescent years, as you are physically developing and becoming young women and men, your appearance and how others respond to you can certainly become important. Other peer related issues such as belonging or being part of a particular group or activity are, as well.

It may surprise you that current statistics show seven in ten females believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members. And for males, the statistics over the past 25 years have gone from 15% dissatisfaction to 45% dissatisfaction regarding how they feel about their physical appearance.

The developing and confusing years of adolescence are filled with exploring and identifying what you think of yourself or what social direction you may wish to go in. It is also a time that you can begin to know yourself outside your family environment and develop who you are in a more meaningful and realistic way. This means sorting through the many reflections of “who and how you are” in relationship to the large world around you.

It is during this time, no matter what kind of earlier conditioning you have received, that you can take control over your self-esteem and self-respect. I would like to share with you a story about one of my children. She has happily given permission for me to share this with you because she feels it is an important story to tell.

At the age of 15, my daughter was very unhappy and struggling with feeling badly about herself. That whole year for her was filled with tears and poor grades. One day, we took a walk and talked about what she was experiencing. She said many times during that conversation, “I hate myself. I don’t want to be me.” I gently asked her why and she said that she “she didn’t think she was a good enough person because of the problems she was having with her peers.”

Not wanting to pry, I did not ask for details and she did not offer them. Rather, I shared something with her I learned about whole health and self-esteem when I was much older than her 15 years of age. I shared with that what is important, at any time in our life for us to feel good about our self, is that when we behavior in a way towards ourselves and others that is in agreement, or congruent, with our personal values – we feel good about who we are. Bottom line: No matter what anyone else says or does towards us, when we act in concert with our personal values, we feel good. Our perception and expression of ourselves can largely impact our whole health, which is far more important than what others think. We many not like the way others treat us or how they hurt our feelings, but our self–esteem and self-respect are high.

When we do not act in agreement, or congruently, with our personal values and inner beliefs of right and wrong, then we feel badly about ourselves; no matter what positive or flattering things someone else may say about us. Self-esteem and self-respect, like beauty, start from the inside out. No one can make us feel badly about ourselves when we know, and are confident, that our behavior towards ourselves and others is from a place of our values and of respect.

If you are working through this natural adolescent sorting process, reflecting on this information may assist you in changing how you feel about yourself, how your treat yourself and how you create relationships with others. My daughter, who is now in college, told me our walk together that day was the most important thing she has ever earned about how to feel good about herself. I hope it is helpful for you as well.

References & Resources:

www.learntobehealthy.org
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/self_esteem.html
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/breaking-the-chain-of-low-self-esteem-marilyn-j-sorensen/1102088340

For more whole health discussions, listen to Dr. Georgianna Donadio’s radio show Living Above The Drama.