Category Archives: Conflict Resolution

A Recipe For Peace And Goodwill

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Looking at the state of the world at large, it can be difficult to see a reflection of the upcoming holiday sentiment: “Peace on earth — goodwill towards mankind.” In its place we find conflict, hostility, divisiveness, political mistrust, crime, greed and pending financial collapse.

Daily news headlines dampen the message of the Yuletide. Thankfully there are, and always have been, organizations and individuals that are focused on peace-making and global welfare. They demonstrate that we as a world community can live together in harmony.

Food has often been a starting point for community building as well as peace-making. Many decades ago, in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower signed into law the “Public Law 480”, which was expanded and renamed under President Kennedy as “Food for Peace.” In 1961, Kennedy redefined the program and set the tone for food as peace-keeping by saying, “Food is strength, and food is peace, and food is freedom, and food is a helping to people around the world whose good will and friendship we want.”

Food is one of the critical factors, along with water and shelter, for our survival. Yet, it nurtures us in ways beyond the physical. It is also a central part of human relationships and cultures. The holiday season is well-marked with food as the centerpiece of our festivities, celebrations and gatherings. This year, choose foods that nourish inside and out.

Nutrition is powerful. In keeping with the theme of food as a reality and metaphor for our survival, a remarkable organization, Chefs for Peace, is showing us once again the power of food as an effective agent for social and political change. A Jerusalem based multi-cultural group of chefs use food and cooking to demonstrate that living together peacefully is possible for all, no matter what faith or culture one comes from. The group includes Arabs, Jews, Christians and Muslims all working together to prepare meals for celebrations, galas and culinary competitions. They share their love of food and nourishing others to transcend any differences between them and have created a respectful and trusting partnership within this visionary group.

Chefs for Peace began in Jerusalem in 2001, by its founder Kevork Alemaian and a group of Jewish, Muslim and Christian chefs. It is a non-profit organization “committed to exploring cultural identity, diversity and coexistence through food…[that] understands food — its preparation, sharing, and enjoyment — as a powerful means of creating a bond with others and revealing that which is valued by all three faiths: food, family and friends… peace happens every day, in the kitchen and around the table!” The members believe that rather than leaving it to politicians to enact change and bring about peace, it will take “real people living and working together to create peace.” I think this motto reflects the values of many of us in the health advocacy program.

Their unique cuisine reflects their belief in the value of blending various cultures and that sharing a simple meal is an act of peace and community. While the notion of “breaking bread” or sharing the nourishment of food as peacemaking is not a new one, the Chefs for Peace actively demonstrate how peace and goodwill-making, through shared nourishment, is a welcome and refreshing example of how this basic human need can heal and unite.

As the holiday season comes upon us, it is good to reflect upon on our family and  community celebrations can serve to nourish and foster goodwill for all. In this spirit, here is the Chefs for Peace recipe for Fresh Figs stuffed with Mushrooms and Pecans — something healthy and new to serve up for the holidays. Figs are filled with essential A and B vitamins in addition to calcium, potassium and a generous amount of fiber. Furthermore, this recipe celebrates various cultural appetites with its unique combination of seasonings.

Fresh Figs stuffed with Mushrooms and Pecans

Ingredients:

1 teaspoon butter
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/3 cup minced onion
1/3 cup minced cremini mushrooms
1/3 cup minced toasted pecans
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom, divided
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice, divided
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon, divided
Pinch of cloves
1/4 cup tamarind paste
1 cup water
2 1/2 tablespoons brown sugar, or to taste
3 tablespoons mascarpone cheese
12-14 fresh figs

Directions:

1. In a medium sauté pan, heat butter and olive oil. Add onion and mushrooms and sauté until golden and tender, about 10 minutes. Add pecans and half of cardamom, allspice, and cinnamon. Add a pinch of cloves, plus salt to taste. Stir well, cooking until fragrant, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a bowl.

2. Add remaining cardamom, allspice, and cinnamon to pan (without cleaning it), plus tamarind paste, water, and sugar. Blend well with a whisk, and bring to a gentle boil. Reduce heat and continue cooking, stirring often, until sauce becomes smooth and velvety, about 5 minutes. Whisk in mascarpone cheese until smooth and sauce is heated through. Taste and adjust seasoning with salt and more sweeteners, if desired.

3. Slice top 1/2 inch of figs almost all the way through, but still attached. Use a 1/4-teaspoon measuring spoon to dig out fig flesh; put in a bowl. Add 2 tablespoons fig flesh to mushroom mixture and mix well. Stuff figs with mixture, overfilling slightly. Place stuffed figs in pan with sauce, spooning sauce over them. Bring to a gentle boil; then reduce heat, cover, and simmer for about 15 minutes.

PER SERVING (1): 103 cal, 38% fat cal, 5g fat (2g mono, 1g poly, 1g sat), 5mg chol, 1g protein, 16g carb, 3g fiber, 8mg sodium

12 Steps For Handling Difficult Relationships During The Holidays

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Avoiding Conflict During The Holidays By Georgianna Donadio of National Institute of Whole Health

Thanksgiving is approaching, and the December holidays are on the horizon. Some say: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Or is it? For many of us, the holiday visits back home to family members are something to be dreaded.

While we look forward to the pleasure of celebrating these festive times, there is also the memory of past conflicts and the very real possibility of new confrontations that we find ourselves anxious to avoid. We can tell ourselves that this is the year we will not get stressed out or upset with visits to or from our families.

This is what we strive for yet, most often, not how things turn out. So, how can we better navigate difficult relationships during the holidays in a way that is beneficial, and not harmful, to our whole person health?

Difficult Family Dynamics

According to Dr. Jeffrey Fine, Ph.D., director of the American Foundation for Conscious Parenting, our families can be “a breeding ground for repressed resentments and hostilities left over from childhood.” We might anticipate that once we have grown up and moved away to create our own lives and families these feelings would diminish, but, as many of us experience, unfortunately they do not.

One potential solution to transforming the holidays from stressful to joyful is the application of identified communication skills that have been researched and shown to facilitate changing difficult relationships. Behavioral Engagement is a 12-step set of communication skills that has been the subject of hospital pilot studies over a 2-year period.

The outcomes of these pilots showed the participants experienced a significant improvement in their relational outlook and attitude after interacting with the communication skills model. Originally developed to enhance relationships between whole health oriented doctors, nurses and patients, the model was also applied and studied with business and family relationships.

James Prochaska, Ph.D., renowned researcher on behavior change and author of Change for Good — the Six Stages of Transtheoretical Change says of Behavioral Engagement: “The process of Behavioral Engagement has the potential to transform relationships that are suffering or struggling to ones that are thriving!”

Generally, one of the most recommended approaches to staving off holiday conflicts is to “try and accept family members or friends as they are.” Unfortunately, this good intention can be easily sidelined without specific communications skills that can help keep us on track.

Easy 12-Step Model

The 12-Step Model of Behavioral Engagement offers specific, easy-to-learn communication skills that have been proven effective in changing conflicted relationships into compatible relationships based on the understanding that we all want to be valued, respected and listened to. The steps are based on physical, psychological, hormonal and neurological aspects of human relationships and communication. They start with the understanding that while we cannot change others’ behavior we can change our own behavior in how we relate to others, which can result in a transformative outcome for all participants.

Handling Difficult relationships during the holidays by georgianna donadio of national institute of whole health

We can do so by using specific, simple communication skills and following the steps that have been shown to be effective in creating greater receptivity and generating more positive emotions in relationships that have previously been conflicted or stressful.

If you have experienced or are anticipating challenging relationships during the holidays, you may wish to apply these easy steps and see if they can assist you in having happier and even healthier holidays.

Step One: Be physically comfortable when communicating. This removes discomfort that can distract from the conversation. Distractions reduce your attention, focus on the person you are speaking with, and decrease the conversational rapport and receptivity.

Step Two: Understand what you want. Our intentions are powerful behavior motivators. Understanding what we want from an exchange or a relationship can assist us in communicating more clearly our thoughts and feelings, inviting greater understanding and intimacy. Example: “I really want to understand what you are upset about.”

Step Three: Centered body posture. Uncross arms and legs and present open, receptive body language. To send the message that you are respecting the conversation and giving the other person your fully attention, do not play with your watch, glasses, hair or continually look away from the person you are speaking with. Committing to being focused is an important element in communication and sends the message that you care. We can all feel when someone values being with or speaking to us.

Step Four : Sustained, soft eye contact has been shown to stimulate oxytocin, which opens emotional centers of the brain and enhances trust and feelings of love and intimacy.

Step Five : Respectful inquiry. Asking rather than telling or directing and using “I” statements rather than “you” statements creates a safe, non-judgmental environment for the other person to communicate openly.

Step Six: Responsiveness. Using appropriate responses, such as facial expressions, smiling, head nodding and so forth, indicates you are listening and understanding what the other is saying without interrupting or interjecting. This acknowledges the value you have for their communication.

Step Seven: Pauses between responses. Instead of immediately speaking as soon as the other person is finished, allowing for appropriate pauses when someone has shared a thought or feeling with you creates for them the experience that they are being respectfully listened to, and that you are truly present to them.

Step Eight: Non-judgment. By not allowing yourself to focus on your unspoken mental and emotional judgments you eliminate the unconscious communication that is sent through subtle and gross body language. Unconscious, non-verbal body language is something most of us pick up on and they can make or break the communication.

Step Nine: Leave the ego at the door. Eliminate the push-pull or power struggle of previous relationship interactions by letting go of taking control of the communication and allow for equity between you and the other individual.

Step Ten: Re-centering when you start to lose focus. Mentally repeating simple words you identify as prompts to get you back to the focus of the conversation is a quick and effective way to get yourself re-centered in the exchange. Example: “Back to focus” or “Get centered.”

Step Eleven: Collaborative mindset. Working toward having a win-win outcome eliminates conflict and improves the quality of the relationship in both the short term and the long term.

Step Twelve: Sacredness of relationship. Sacredness means “worthy of respect.” When we are aware of appropriate verbal and behavioral boundaries within our communications, we hold the other person in high esteem and create fulfilling, lasting relationships.

When dealing with family holiday conflicts it can be helpful for us to try simple, proven communications skills but also to reflect on the wisdom of the question: “Would you rather be loved than be right?” Often times when we elect love over being in control or being right relationships shift for the better.

How Stress Affects Male and Female Brains Differently

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How Stress Affects Male and Female Brains DifferentlyAn article appearing in the Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience  journal (SCAN) on the research study being done at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine discusses the difference in how the male and female brain responds differently when dealing with stress.

The researchers and Dr.J.J.Wang, PhD, Assistant Professor of Radiology and Neurology and lead author of the study, claim to have found different areas of the brain which activate and function in different ways for men and women when they are dealing with specifically performance-related stress.

The findings suggest the stress responses are a fundamentally different function in men and women. The male being referred to as “fight-or-flight” and “tend-and-befriend” in women. As a result of evolution, over time, males generally confronted stress by either dealing with it head on or fleeing from the situation.

Female, generally, may have instead responded by utilizing a nurturing approach and aligning themselves with social groups as a coping mechanism during times of adversity.

In Dr. Wang’s study, 32 healthy subjects (16 men and 16 women) were given MRI brain scans at different intervals of a challenging mathematical task that was performed under stressful circumstances.

The researchers escalated the stress in this experiment by frequently prompting participants to go faster and faster and would ask them to restart the task if their response was not correct.

The researcher also created a low stress control condition, where they asked the study subjects to count backwards, but applied no stress or pressure to the task.

The researchers found through the MRI tests that for the males the stress resulted in increased cerebral blood flow in the right pre-frontal cortex and reduced blood flow in the left orbito-frontal cortex.

In the females, under stress the limbic system was stimulated and activated. The limbic system is located in the mid-brain and is the first part of the evolutionary human brain where emotions formed. One very interesting observation in the study is that while both men and women’s brain activation lasted beyond the stress task, the activation lasted longer in females.

Dr. J.J. Wang claims, “Knowing that women respond to stress by increasing activity in brain regions involved with emotion, and these changes last longer than in men, may help us begin to explain the gender differences in the incidence of mood disorders.”

This study can help all of us to understand the HE/SHE difference a bit better and hopefully help us to create better communication with the opposite sex.

The study report can be found at:  http://ts-si.org/neuroscience/2729-using-brain-imaging-to-demonstrate-male–female-differences

You may also be interested in these articles:

What’s The Biggest Problem In Healthcare Today?

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healthcare

During the National HealthPolicy Conference held in Washington, D.C., members of the Agency for Healthcare Research and Policy agreed that there is an urgent need for research focusing on the doctor-patient relationship. This is the key to addressing  the current crisis of patient dissatisfaction, medical-error, malpractice claims, and physician burnout.  Clearly, there is a need for improved communication throughout the healthcare system.

The Problem:

Patients are not happy, doctors and medical teams are not happy, and the health care system is struggling to adapt measures to turn the tide of this growing problem. The Institute for HealthCare Communication (IHC) report regarding poor doctor-patient communication revealed the following:

  • Research conducted during the 10 year period of 1995-2005 demonstrated that ineffective team communication was the root cause for nearly 66 percent of all medical errors.
  • When healthcare team members do not communicate effectively, patient care often suffers.
  • Medical error vulnerability is increased when healthcare team members are under stress, in high-task situations, or not communicating clearly or effectively.

The research from the IHC reports cites that 50% of all malpractice is the result of poor communication between doctor and patient.

The IHC report states: “Research evidence indicates that there are strong positive relationships between a healthcare team member’s communication skills and a patient’s capacity to follow through with medical recommendations, self-manage a chronic medical condition, and adopt preventive health behaviors. Studies conducted during the past three decades show that the clinician’s ability to explain, listen and empathize can have a profound effect on biological and functional health outcomes as well as patient satisfaction and experience of care.”

It continues toward an alarming statement: “Extensive research has shown that no matter how knowledgeable a clinician might be, if he or she is not able to open good communication with the patient, he or she may be of no help.”

Solutions

While the addition of nurse health coaches and our health advocate program have been viewed by some as a solution to the communication problem, the relationship between the physician or primary care provider and the patient cannot be corrected by these additional team members. In fact, not addressing the underlying cause of doctor-patient discomfort may even increase the distrust and discomfort the patient experiences with their doctor or primary care provider.

As physicians, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and health advocacy program members are the diagnostic experts in our medical care system, ensuring the communication between these providers and their patients is critical.

A pilot study, conducted through Central Michigan University (CMU) on the effects of a communication model, Behavior Engagement with Pure Presence, on patient and physician satisfaction has just concluded. The study was funded by Blue Cross and Blue Shield Foundation of Michigan.

The Primary Investigator (P.I.) of this study, Dr. Christine Clipper, wanted to test the Behavioral Engagement model by including renowned endocrinologist Dr. Opada Alzohaili, who was trained in the model’s communication skills and previously earned high patient satisfaction survey ratings. Dr. Alzohaili’s post-pilot patient satisfaction scores were significant, revealing 100% improvement on all measures of patient perception of relational empathy duringtheir encounter with the doctor, in contrast to his pre-pilot patient satisfaction scores.

Dr. Clipper’s research data demonstrated that Behavioral Engagement with Pure Presence has “…a psychological effect on the patient’s perception of the patient-provider relationship. The patient perception of relational empathy with their doctor increased through improved provider communication skills through applying the Behavioral Engagement model.”

For more whole health discussions like this, listen to my weekly radio show Living Above The Drama available on iHeartRadio.

Holding In Our Emotions Can Lead To Illness

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The way we feel — especially when we feel hurt or angry — can cause negative effects in the body due to the neurological and neurochemical connections between body and mind. If we internalize anger, our nervous and hormone systems react, creating neurotransmitter chemicals that can lead to harmful side effects. This can compromise our health as well as our personal and professional relationships. In short, holding in our emotions can lead to illness as well as unhappiness.

Angry Consequences 

Anger that is felt over a period of time is unhealthy. When we become angry and do not express ourselves in a productive manner, the body reacts through the stress adaptation response. This includes biochemical physical responses that can lead to illness or death. If we are habitually angry, the conditions that can occur as a result of this physical response to the chronic or ongoing anger include:

–Asthma
-Elevated blood pressure
-Glaucoma
-Heart attack
-Hiatus hernia
-Hives
-Increased heart rate
-Low back pain
-Migraines
-Psoriasis
-Shortened life expectancy
-Stroke
-Tense muscles
-Ulcers

In addition to thousands of anger and stress studies, many other health studies have connected anger to loneliness, chronic anxiety, depression, eating disorders, sleep disorders, obsessive-compulsive behavior and phobias. It can also have a detrimental effect on our relationships and threaten the development and maintenance of intimate relationships. Communication is the key to learning how to handle our anger and creating healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Better Communication Skills For Better Health

Learning how to communicate does not have to be complicated. While most of us have developed communication skills from our families and environment, there are easy-to-learn, proven skills that can provide you with the tools and knowledge you need to be able to channel and express your anger or hurt feelings appropriately.

When we are able to express our feelings (be they sadness, frustration or anger), we feel more in control of our lives. We are able to create the type of relationships we want to experience with others.

Current whole health research has clearly shown that it is healthier to express and resolve our relationship issues than it is to hold them in and allow them either to make us ill or to cause conflicts at work, home or with friends and colleagues.

Join the conversation.

For more whole health discussions like this, listen to my weekly radio show Living Above The Drama available on iHeartRadio.

12 Steps For Handling Difficult Relationships During The Holidays

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Avoiding Conflict During The Holidays By Georgianna Donadio of National Institute of Whole Health

Thanksgiving is just over a week away, and the December holidays are on the horizon. Some say: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Or is it? For many of us, the holiday visits back home to family members are something to be dreaded. While we look forward to the pleasure of celebrating these festive times, there is also the memory of past conflicts and the very real possibility of new confrontations that we find ourselves anxious to avoid. We can tell ourselves that this is the year we will not get stressed out or upset with visits to or from our families. This is what we strive for yet, most often, not how things turn out.

Difficult Family Dynamics

According to Dr. Jeffrey Fine, Ph.D., director of the American Foundation for Conscious Parenting, our families can be “a breeding ground for repressed resentments and hostilities left over from childhood.” We might anticipate that once we have grown up and moved away to create our own lives and families these feelings would diminish, but, as many of us experience, unfortunately they do not.

One potential solution to transforming the holidays from stressful to joyful is the application of identified communication skills that have been researched and shown to facilitate changing difficult relationships. Behavioral Engagement is a 12-step set of communication skills that has been the subject of hospital pilot studies over a 2-year period.

The outcomes of these pilots showed the participants experienced a significant improvement in their relational outlook and attitude after interacting with the communication skills model. Originally developed to enhance relationships between whole health oriented doctors, nurses and patients, the model was also applied and studied with business and family relationships.

James Prochaska, Ph.D., renowned researcher on behavior change and author of Change for Good — the Six Stages of Transtheoretical Change says of Behavioral Engagement: “The process of Behavioral Engagement has the potential to transform relationships that are suffering or struggling to ones that are thriving!”

Generally, one of the most recommended approaches to staving off holiday conflicts is to “try and accept family members or friends as they are.” Unfortunately, this good intention can be easily sidelined without specific communications skills that can help keep us on track.

Easy 12-Step Model

The 12-Step Model of Behavioral Engagement offers specific, easy-to-learn communication skills that have been proven effective in changing conflicted relationships into compatible relationships based on the understanding that we all want to be valued, respected and listened to. The steps are based on physical, psychological, hormonal and neurological aspects of human relationships and communication. They start with the understanding that while we cannot change others’ behavior we can change our own behavior in how we relate to others, which can result in a transformative outcome for all participants.

Handling Difficult relationships during the holidays by georgianna donadio of national institute of whole health

We can do so by using specific, simple communication skills and following the steps that have been shown to be effective in creating greater receptivity and generating more positive emotions in relationships that have previously been conflicted or stressful.

If you have experienced or are anticipating challenging relationships during the holidays, you may wish to apply these easy steps and see if they can assist you in having happier and even healthier holidays.

Step One: Be physically comfortable when communicating. This removes discomfort that can distract from the conversation. Distractions reduce your attention, focus on the person you are speaking with, and decrease the conversational rapport and receptivity.

Step Two: Understand what you want. Our intentions are powerful behavior motivators. Understanding what we want from an exchange or a relationship can assist us in communicating more clearly our thoughts and feelings, inviting greater understanding and intimacy. Example: “I really want to understand what you are upset about.”

Step Three: Centered body posture. Uncross arms and legs and present open, receptive body language. To send the message that you are respecting the conversation and giving the other person your fully attention, do not play with your watch, glasses, hair or continually look away from the person you are speaking with. Committing to being focused is an important element in communication and sends the message that you care. We can all feel when someone values being with or speaking to us.

Step Four : Sustained, soft eye contact has been shown to stimulate oxytocin, which opens emotional centers of the brain and enhances trust and feelings of love and intimacy.

Step Five : Respectful inquiry. Asking rather than telling or directing and using “I” statements rather than “you” statements creates a safe, non-judgmental environment for the other person to communicate openly.

Step Six: Responsiveness. Using appropriate responses, such as facial expressions, smiling, head nodding and so forth, indicates you are listening and understanding what the other is saying without interrupting or interjecting. This acknowledges the value you have for their communication.

Step Seven: Pauses between responses. Instead of immediately speaking as soon as the other person is finished, allowing for appropriate pauses when someone has shared a thought or feeling with you creates for them the experience that they are being respectfully listened to, and that you are truly present to them.

Step Eight: Non-judgment. By not allowing yourself to focus on your unspoken mental and emotional judgments you eliminate the unconscious communication that is sent through subtle and gross body language. Unconscious, non-verbal body language is something most of us pick up on and they can make or break the communication.

Step Nine: Leave the ego at the door. Eliminate the push-pull or power struggle of previous relationship interactions by letting go of taking control of the communication and allow for equity between you and the other individual.

Step Ten: Re-centering when you start to lose focus. Mentally repeating simple words you identify as prompts to get you back to the focus of the conversation is a quick and effective way to get yourself re-centered in the exchange. Example: “Back to focus” or “Get centered.”

Step Eleven: Collaborative mindset. Working toward having a win-win outcome eliminates conflict and improves the quality of the relationship in both the short term and the long term.

Step Twelve: Sacredness of relationship. Sacredness means “worthy of respect.” When we are aware of appropriate verbal and behavioral boundaries within our communications, we hold the other person in high esteem and create fulfilling, lasting relationships.

When dealing with family holiday conflicts it can be helpful for us to try simple, proven communications skills but also to reflect on the wisdom of the question: “Would you rather be loved than be right?” Often times when we elect love over being in control or being right relationships shift for the better.

For more whole health discussions like this, listen to my weekly radio show Living Above The Drama available on iHeartRadio.

Parents Model Behavior and Self-Esteem

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Lessons In Whole Health: Behavior and Self-Esteem

One day I noticed my daughter was watching a reality television show about high school students. The lack of respect that many of them showed towards other students was stunning. What was even more disconcerting was their lack of awareness that the people they were taunting and verbally abusing had the same range of feeling they did; wanted to be accepted and valued as they did; and wanted to belong within their peer groups, just like they did.

The main theme of the program was having a facilitator come into the school and educate the verbally abusive students on the basics of how to have appropriate relationships. It was portrayed that these young people had never seen respect or compassion modeled for them at home. They were not “aware” that other students, young people like themselves, had essentially the same need to belong and the same feelings and desires that they did.

My daughter commented that it was obvious that these insensitive high school students were suffering from low self-esteem to be treating other people that way. This started a conversation about “where do we develop healthy self-esteem from” and why do some people develop it easily and others not at all.

Self-esteem is so intimately connected to whole health and how we treat ourselves; which is also connected to how we treat others. The role of a patient advocate is to instruct a patient on “how to be in the world” and to provide the training, if you will, to have the skills, tools and awareness to develop a strong sense of self and self esteem.

“Roots and wings” was the expression many years ago, which refers to the stability, discipline and security that allows us to go out into the world and have the confidence in ourselves to “spread our wings” and fly.

As parents we have the profound responsibility of modeling to our children what they need to learn to be both healthy and happy. Children learn with their eyes, their ears, and their hearts. It really does not matter what we say to our children, or what we say to others, it is what we do that counts. When we take the easy way out as parents and do not provide our children with a strong example and foundation of learning responsibility, integrity and how to respect others, we fail them and we hurt them.

To educate our children to be healthy and happy we must advocate the number one rule of liking themselves, which leads to liking others: When our behavior is congruent with our values, with what we know intellectually and intuitively is right and good, we like ourselves. When our behavior goes against our values and what we know is the right way to behave, we have low self-esteem. We don’t like ourselves when we behave in a way that directly or indirectly hurts ourselves and others.

I remember talking one time with one of my children who was complaining that they “didn’t like themselves.”

I asked them an appreciative inquiry question: “Do you think that feeling might come from something you know about yourself that the rest of us don’t?” Several days later he shared with me that it “was one of the best questions anyone had ever asked him” and that it helped him to stop doing something that he felt really bad about doing.

This is a question to ask ourselves and to model to our children, who learn more from our non-verbal communication than anything we might “tell” them about how to live a happy life and support their own whole person health.

For more whole health discussions, listen to Dr. Georgianna Donadio’s radio show Living Above The Drama.

Loving Again After Loss

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Meaningful relationships, belonging and love are essential to our health, happiness and what we want, need and desire. It is one of psychologist Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs and one of the most conflicted areas of human interaction. The willingness to be vulnerable after things go badly in an intimate relationship requires both courage and resilience to traverse the landscape of such deep emotion.

Losing love by breakup or death is one of the most profound and stressful things we as human being can experience. The loss of love can literally “break our hearts” and can even undermine our will to live. Sigmund Freud, MD, the well-known father of modern psychoanalysis, many decades ago stated that we "are never as hopelessly unhappy as when we lose love."

Love is what sustains our lives. Research shows the impact of grief on the development and exacerbation of unresolved grief, and how it can result in the development of serious illness or fatal heart disease. The loss of love is something many of us fear and something many of us don’t imagine can happen when, on the surface, things in our relationship seems to be on an even keel.  Yet, for most of us at one time or another to experience the crushing pain of losing love and the almost obsessive reaction we have to regaining that love or finding a way to end the pain and sense of emptiness that can often accompany such loss.

If you are familiar with a small press literary publication, The Sun, you may not have read this poignant essay, published in that magazine, written by Poe Ballantine. He provides insight to the necessity of trust within love. Trust is the element of love which provides the safe place necessary to share our lives and hearts with others. Trusting, and dealing with the loss of trust within love, requires great courage to be able to move beyond the loss and love again. It is interesting that we are inundated from many sources these days with information about wellness and how to prevent illness, when what many of us need is information about how to create more fulfilling and healthy relationships and prevent the heartbreak of losing love.

Ballantine's essay tells a story about his father:

"He kept a close ritual of coffee, then work, dinner, his television shows and his cigarettes. The newspaper stayed on the table open to the personals. He had opened them the first day she had left him, like the reflex of a man covering a wound after being shot. His face was gray from survival. He was a man who could not allow himself to break. The despair stretched out. The music from the stereo could not fill the emptiness. Our conversations were automatic, clock talk. His single guiding hope was that she would return."

"What had happened to my father he never believes would happen. He was fifty years old, settled, comfortable, secure. His children were raised. He had worked hard all his life and now he could relax. I understood why my mother had left him, but I still condemned her for leaving – for taking the easy way out. My father and I played cards and watched private-eye dramas on television. He looked in the personals, called once at something that looked right, but cancelled soon after; it just wasn't in him."

"One Sunday afternoon I heard him crying in the bedroom. I didn't know what to do with a father who cried. He taught me all I knew, the important things: honesty, loyalty, firm handshake, the love beyond self-love, the duty of a man. Trust was his only religion and it was failing him and in turn it was the failure of the world."

"The one thing a human being asks for on this earth is to be loved. Why should it be impossible?"

Trusting, loving and the resilience to come back from the loss of love may be the next "health frontier". Nutrition, one of the more popular health topics, is not just about nourishing our tissues. Nourishing our hearts, which are hungry for love and acceptance, is another skill we need to learn. If we should be mindful of what we eat, how mindful should we become about how and who we love?

 

For more whole health discussions like this, listen to my hit radio show Living Above The Drama available on iHeartRadio.

Six Immediate Steps To Improve Your Relationships

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Six Immediate Steps To Improve Your Relationships

Making your relationships more fulfilling for you as well as for the important people in your life is easier than you might think. Most of us simply forget what makes a good relationship, yet we know what it feels like when one of our relationships isn’t going well. Often, improving any aspect of your life is a matter of being reminded what the tried and true behaviors are that create happy relationships. Here are six easy-to-remember and even easier-to-do steps you can take right now to improve your friendships, family dynamics and even interactions with co-workers:

1. Respect Everyone

Respecting someone means to literally accept them for who they are and how they choose to think, feel and live. We cannot change others, and it is futile and even presumptuous of us to try. By accepting others and meeting them in a respectful way, we save ourselves needless frustration. No one wants to be told who to be or how to live; and the sooner you apply this principal, the sooner you improve your relationships.

2. Practice Kindness

Kindness is one of the most attractive qualities in anyone. Even more attractive is when a person thinks and feels that all others are worthy of their consideration and kindness and treats others with mutuality and compassion. People notice kindness and know when someone is caring. This is easy to do if you treat other people the way you would treat anyone you truly care about.

3. Be Happy For Others

In the highly competitive, often dog-eat-dog environments many of us work and live in, we can develop an attitude that if “we don’t have ours” than “no one else should have his.” This is an unhealthy and unsuccessful attitude that doesn’t allow us to celebrate for others and invite them into celebrating for us when we have success or an achievement. Good wishes toward others result in good wishes for us.

4. Release Resentments

When we hold onto anger or resentment toward others, we end up doing more harm to ourselves than to them. Anger and resentment make us sick and chains us to the events or circumstances that hurt us. This does not allow us to move on in life, and it lessens the love and kindness we can be experiencing and sharing with others. It leaves us in turmoil about something in the past.

5. Do The Small Things

Think back to your most tender and memorable moments with the important people in your life. You will probably find that those moments were filled not with expensive, larger-than-life gifts, events or experiences, but rather with small, meaningful gifts, gestures and shared experiences. While you cannot do special things for everyone in your life, the people who are most important will really appreciate it if you show them how important they are to you with the small things that mean so much.

6. Follow the Golden Rule

There is a saying that we should never expect others to give us what we are not willing to give to them. The Golden Rule is a simple one: Give to others what you want the most for yourself. If you want to be loved, love others. If you want success, than provide service or value for others. This is an easy and simple rule and best of all, it works.

For more whole health discussions like this, listen to my weekly radio show Living Above The Drama available on iHeartRadio.

 

Preventing Conflict During The Holiday Season

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avoiding conflict during the holiday season

The December Holidays are just around the corner. Some say, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Or is it? For many of us, the holiday visits back home to family members is something to be dreaded. While we look forward to the pleasure of celebrating these festive times, there is also the memory of past conflicts and the real possibility of new confrontations that we find ourselves anxious to avoid. We can tell ourselves that this is the year we will not get stressed out or upset with visits to or from our families. This is what we strive for yet, most often, not how things turn out. Here are some strategies for avoiding conflict during the holidays.

In is common, according to Dr. Jeffrey Fine, Ph.D., Director of the American Foundation for Conscious Parenting that our families can be “a breeding ground for repressed resentments and hostilities left over from childhood. “We might anticipate that once we have grown up and moved away to create our own lives and families that these feeling would diminish but, as many of us experience, unfortunately they do not.

One potential solution to transforming the holidays from stressful to joyful is the application of identified communication skills that have been researched and shown to facilitate changing difficult relationships. Behavioral Engagement is a 12-step set of communication skills that has been the subject of hospital pilot studies over a 32-year period.

The outcomes of these pilots showed the participants experienced a significant improvement in their relational outlook and attitude after interacting with the communication skills model.  Originally developed to enhance relationships between doctors, nurses and patients, the model was also applied and studied with business and family relationships.

James Prochaska, PhD, renowned researcher on behavior change and author of “Change for Good – the Six Stages of Transtheoretical Change” says of Behavioral Engagement that “The process of Behavioral Engagement has the potential to transform relationships that are suffering or struggling to ones that are thriving!”

Generally, one of the most recommended approaches to staving off holiday conflicts is to “try and accept family members or friends as they are.” Unfortunately, this good intention can be easily side-lined without specific communications skills that can help keep us on track.

Step by Step Behavioral Engagement

The 12-Step Model of Behavioral Engagement that Dr. Prochaska endorses offers specific, easy to learn, communication skills that have been proven effective in changing conflicted relationships into compatible relationships based on the understanding that we all want to be valued, respected and listened to.

The steps are based on physical, psychological, hormonal and neurological aspects of human relationships and communication. They start with the understanding that while we cannot change others’ behavior, we can change our own behavior in how we relate to others, which can result in a transformative outcome for all participants.

We can do so by using specific, simple communication skills and following the steps that have been shown to be effective in creating greater receptivity and generating more positive emotions in relationships that have previously been conflicted or stressful.

If you have experienced or are anticipating challenging relationships during the holidays, you may wish to apply these easy steps and see if they can assist you in having happier and even healthier holidays.

Step One – Be physically comfortable when communicating. This removes discomfort that can distract providing your full attention to the person you are speaking with. Distractions reduce your focus on the person you are speaking with, which decreases receptivity, which sends the message that you may not be listening to them, which can flame the fire of resentment.

Step Two –Understanding what you want. Our intentions are powerful behavior motivators. Understanding what we want from an exchange with another can assist us in communicating more clearly our thoughts and feeling, inviting greater understanding and intimacy. Example – “I really want to understand what you are upset about.”

Step Three – Centered Body Posture. Uncross arms and legs, present open, receptive body language. To send the message that you are respecting the conversation and giving the other person your fully attention, do not play with your watch, glasses, hair or continually look away from the person you are speaking with. Committing to being focused is an important element in communication and sends the message that you value your time with the other person. We can all feel when someone values being with or speaking to us. 

Step Four – Sustained, Soft Eye Contact has been scientifically proven to stimulate oxytocin which opens emotional centers of the brain and enhances trust and feelings of love and intimacy.

Step Five – Respectful Inquiry. Asking rather than telling or directing, and using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, creates a safe, non-judgmental environment for the other person to communicate openly.

Step Six – Responsiveness. By using appropriate responses, such as facial expressions, smiling, head nodding and so forth, indicates you are responding to and understanding what the other is saying without interrupting or interjecting. This acknowledges the value you have for their communication.

Step Seven – Pauses between responses, allowing for silence between statements. Instead of immediately speaking as soon as the other person is finished, allowing for appropriate silence when someone has shared a thought or feeling with you is an important part of the experience of being respectfully listened to. It is also a component of being truly present to them.

Step Eight – Non-Judgment. By not allowing your unspoken mental and emotional judgments to invade your attention, you eliminate the unconscious communication that is sent through subtle and gross body language. Unconscious, non-verbal body language is something most of us pick up immediately. They can make or break your communication and relationships within your family.

Step Nine – Leave the ego at the door. Eliminate the push-pull or power struggle of previous relationship interactions by letting go of taking control of the communication and allow for equity between you and the other individual.

Step Ten – Re-Centering when you start to lose focus. Mentally repeating simple words that you identify as prompts to get you back to the focus of the conversation is a quick and effective way to get yourself re-centered in the exchange. Example: “back to focus” or “get-centered”.

Step Eleven – Collaborative mindset. Working towards having a win-win outcome eliminates conflict and improves the quality of the relationship in both the short term and for the long term.

Step Twelve – Sacredness of Relationship – Sacredness means “worthy of respect”. When we are aware of appropriate verbal and behavioral boundaries within our communications, we hold the other person in high esteem and create fulfilling, lasting relationships.

When dealing with family holiday conflicts, it can be helpful to try these simple, proven communications skills, but also to reflect on the wisdom of the question – “would you rather be loved than be right?” Often when we select love over being in control or being right, then our relationships shift for the better.

You can download a free excerpt of the book on Behavioral Engagement by visiting www.changingbehavior.org

 

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