Category Archives: Personal Growth

Revealing Research on Romantic Love and Heartbreak

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The subject of romantic love is so vast and dominant in our lives that it is generally the subject most music, books, operas, poems and plays are about. Romantic love is a major focal point in our culture and has been shown to be what is most often the subject people are discussing or thinking about throughout the day. But I am sure none of this surprises you, as the majority of us are “relationship focused.”

Last month I had an amazing opportunity to interview today’s leading scientist and researcher on the subject of “Romantic Love”, which has been the subject of her groundbreaking research since 2005, when her first book on the subject was published. Helen Fisher, PhD, Biological Anthropologist, is a research professor and member of the Center for Human Evolution Studies in the Department of Anthropology, Rutgers University and Chief Scientific Advisor to the Internet dating site, Chemistry.com (a division of Match.com). She has conducted extensive research and written five books on the evolution and future of human love, sexuality, marriage, gender differences in the brain as well as how your personality type shapes who you are and who you love.

For those of us in health practices, it is very common to hear from our patients the pain and heartbreak of their romantic relationships and whether or not they feel they can “ever trust or love another person again.” After being this deeply hurt, many of us would like to be able to just “put it behind us” and move on with our lives, but the research of Dr. Fisher and her team of scientists now explains why it is so painful and difficult to bounce back quickly from a broken heart and how difficult and sometimes desperate we can feel during that experience.

Dr. Fisher’s research on romantic love identifies the areas of the brain, the caudate nucleus and the ventral tegmental area, that show romantic love to be far more powerful and urgent that we may have previously believed. She says that romantic love “It’s really a drive that is deeply primordial and primitive.” She explains that romantic love experiences “…are way below the emotional center and in fact are not emotions at all, but rather a powerful drive and need that is shared by all human beings.”

There are additional studies, such as the Tylenol study out of the University of Kansas, College of Arts and Science, as well as the work of Geoff MacDonald, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, who is an expert in romantic relationships, that show that “our brain centers cannot tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain.” Dr. Fisher’s work identified this portion of the brain as the anterior insula, location for both physical pain, as well as heartache. The Tylenol study shows that this simple aspirin like compound can lower the discomfort of heartache as well as a headache.

Dr. Fisher’s research has included thousands of imaging studies both in the U.S. and in China. Through these studies, she and her research team has establish just how important it is for human beings to be in relationships where they experience reward for their feelings and efforts toward the significant other.

If you want to understand more about this fascinating subject and how to help yourself overcome the heartache of lost love, visit www.helenfisher.com  where a book list on her research is available. You can also download a free excerpt from the bestselling, multi-award winning book Changing Behavior, by going to www.changingbehavior.org.

http://web.psych.utoronto.ca/gmacdonald/macdonald_social_pain_chapter.pdf 
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/227298.php

How Happy Couples Behave

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It is not a coincidence that happy couples share many of the same behavioral patterns. Often we think that being happy means we have fun sharing the same hobbies or doing everything as a couple. While sharing activities enhances relationships, the most important components to successful relationships is found in how the individuals within the couple treat each other, and in large part it has to do with communication and behavior. Listed below are some of the most important aspects of having a successful relationship with your significant other.

  1. Friends – Being friends and genuinely liking your partner is one of the most important components of a happy and successful relationship. If you don’t like the other person, how can you truly love them?

  2. Enjoying your friend and partners company – Laughter is not only good medicine but it is also the glue that binds relationships and creates memories. Laughing together and even crying together is meaningful in good relationships.

  3. Be spontaneous – All of us have preferences, likes and dislikes. To be spontaneous about trying new food, travel plans, places to visit and so forth we expand our personal horizons and show respect for our spouse’s or partner’s preferences as well. Life is more interesting if we can be spontaneous together!

  4. Have your own life – Developing a healthy relationship is about two independent and emotionally mature individuals joining company to share their lives together. Sometimes our needs can become interjected into our relationship in a way that creates a co-dependent dynamic and this can derail happiness in an intimate relationship.

  5. Be Fully, Purely Present to Your Partner – It has been said that there is not greater gift than our full, complete presence to another. By being authentically interested and attentive to the other person is a hallmark of a healthy, happy relationship.

  6. Show and express affection – Physical touch is an important part of happiness and fulfillment in relationships. Couples will often express that just holding hands or sharing affection with their partner is the very important part of their feeling loved and cared for.

  7. Be caring and kind – It cannot be stated enough that kindness, compared with criticism or complaints, is one of the most attractive things about another person. When we are kind not only do we feel good about our behavior but the person we are in relationship with feels good about our behavior as well.

  8. Be Honest – If we give our partners a sense that we are devoted and loyal to them and they provide that for us, we create the foundation of a truly lasting and loving relationship. Many times marriages or relationships break up because of trust issues. Trust is the foundation of a all good interactions.

  9. Be committed – When we are committed to someone it means that we are there for them and we can be counted on to support them and be there in times of need. This is what we all want from our relationships and in order to get that we need to give that as well.

  10. Communicate – By actively communicating with your partner on an ongoing basis you can avoid many of the problems that arise in relationships before they occur. By being proactive and checking in with each other on a regular basis to see how things are for the other person, this will go a long way is preventing and avoiding conflicts and unmet needs.

Creating and sustaining a loving, trusting and lasting relationship is one of the most fulfilling experiences most of us long for and look forward to. While it is not a complicated process it does require awareness and cultivation, just like raising a child or growing a garden. If we keep the weeds from infiltrating the flow beds we can enjoy the uninterrupted beauty of our longed for relationship and reduce the work and wear and tear that neglect can produce. Relationships take time, caring and commitment, but they are truly worth it. For a free download on communication skills for enhanced relationships visit www.changingbehavior.org

 

 

Does Chronic Anger Makes Us Sick?

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The way we feel – especially being hurt or angry can have very negative effects on other parts of our physical body as well as on our emotions. When we are experiencing internalized anger, our nervous and hormone systems react, creating harmful side-effects, both physically and mentally and this can lead to compromised health as well as compromised personal and professional relationships.

Yes, chronic anger is unhealthy because when we become angry our body reacts though the stress response, which creates over time physical responses that can lead to illness of death. If we are habitually angry these are the conditions that can occur as a result of this physical response to the chronic or ongoing anger we are experiencing:

  • elevated blood pressure
  • increased heart rate
  • tense muscles
  • heart attack
  • hiatus hernia
  • glaucoma
  • stroke
  • hives
  • asthma
  • ulcers
  • migraines
  • low back pain
  • psoriasis
  • shortened life expectancy

In addition to thousands of anger and stress studies, many other health studies have also connected anger to loneliness, chronic anxiety, depression, eating disorders, sleep disorders, obsessive-compulsive behavior and phobias. It can also have a detrimental effect on our relationships and threatens the development and maintenance of intimate relationships. Communication is the key to learning how to handle our anger and creating healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Learning how to communication does not have to be complicated. While most of us have developed communication skills from our families and environment, there are easy to learn, proven skills that can provide you with the tools and knowledge you need to be able to channel and express your anger or hurt feelings appropriately.

When we are able to express our feelings, be they sadness, frustration, or anger we feel more in control of our lives and able to create the type of relationships we want with others.

As a researcher, I have participated in many years of studies on a model of communication that has been proven to work in all types of environments with all types of relationships. You can read more about it and download a free excerpt from the book by going to www.changingbehavior.org. You can also get the book for free if you are a Kindle Prime member by typing in Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy to Learn, Proven Communication Skills.

Tune-Up Your Relationships

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Given the ever growing demands of our daily lives, it becomes very easy to overlook the “care and feeding” of our intimate, family and long-term relationships. Relationships have been shown to have a significant impact on our health, happiness and longevity, and taking care of them and keeping up on their maintenance is essential.

Taking the time to have a “tune-up” for your important relationships is worth the effort. Here are some simple but important inter-personal behaviors that will help tune-up your relationships and add to the fulfillment and satisfaction you desire from them:

Conflict Resolution – Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but the way we handle and respond to it is not. Some of us try to avoid dealing with conflict, while others want to immediately resolve things head on. Instead of trying to avoid the conflict, it can be constructive to objectively write down our thoughts and feelings and share them with the other person in a way that expresses how we feel, and in a style that makes us comfortable, such as possibly in a letter, a greeting card or by e-mail.

For those of us who tackle conflict “head on”, it can be helpful to take a step back and discern if this issue is something that must be resolved immediately, or can we give ourselves time to process what has occurred and see the conflict from the other person perspective.

Respecting the others Person’s Experience of the Conflict – Respecting your partner’s or friend’s experience of a particular conflict doesn’t mean you “go along to get along” or that you should not express your own experience or feelings about it. It does mean that you respect and consider the other individual’s unique experience of what has occurred and that they want to be seen, heard and valued just as much as you do.

By being open to accepting what the other person is feeling and what they have experienced, you send the message that you sincerely care about their feelings. And, while you may not agree with their feelings, you bring integrity to the relationship that allows them to be who they are and express how they feel in a safe and non-hostile environment.

Would You Rather Be Right or Be Loved?

An important question to ask ourselves when we are dealing with conflict in a significant relationship is would we rather be right or be loved. This is a simple litmus test that can help us to find a balance and a win-win situation for both the parties in a conflict, and also allows us to reflect on what is important in both our life and in our relationships.

Copyright, 2012 G. Donadio

Relationships as Nourishment

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We don't often think of relationships as nutrient, but indeed they are. Freud made a statement about the power of love and relationships and their importance to our happiness when he said: "We are never so hopelessly unhappy as when we lose love."

Freud knew something from his experience about the human condition from his many years treating patients who experienced difficult, unfulfilling and loveless relationships. We often forget that those who love us and those we love fulfill our basic human need to be known, valued and wanted. All healthy human beings want to be valued and experience being cared for, treated respectfully and receive affection from those we care about.

As an older adult who, like Freud, has seen the ravages of loves loss, I have come to appreciate and cherish those in my life who fulfill my need to be valued and wanted – my need to be loved.

It is important for each of us to remember that no one is perfect and that if we expect perfection in love we will surely be disappointed. One of the gifts of age and experience is the relief of realizing that each act of love we give from our imperfect self to another and the love given to us by imperfect others, is the most important wealth we possess.

At the end of the day, when all else is stilled and the distractions of work, ambition, success and achievement are put aside, it is those we "go home to" and the nourishment they provide us that is our real treasure.

May we take a moment each day to appreciate how profound a blessing the gift of love is in our lives.

With all good wishes,
Georgianna
Copyright 2012 G. Donadio

Creating Successful Relationships

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Recently we embarked on a "relationships blog tour". I would like to share with you several of the blogs that were posted about Relationships and about the book "Changing Relationships". Here is what "A Young Man Speaks" wrote about the subject:

by Conor MacCormack

Nothing is more critical to our health than our relationships and nothing is more critical to our relationships than how we communicate. How often have you had a difficult discussion with someone that didn't go as you intended or left a meeting with an important person in your life unsatisfied?

To change these experiences, the answer lies in having the right communication skills and tools that enable us to respond appropriately in a way that is positive for both us, and the other person. These same tools can transform how we behave in relationships and have been shown to lead to more successful and more fulfilling relationships.

A study at Brigim Young University factoring in 148 studies involving over 300,000 subjects concluded that friends and social relationships, in addition to enhancing our health also appear to enhance our longevity.

Behavior change can seem scary or complicated. If the payoff however, is big enough in terms of your own personal health and your loved ones overall well-being, wouldn't the time and energy you put into changing your behavior be worth the reward?

The subject of how to successfully change our behaviors is something that has been widely studied and researched for decades. Most of the resulting models of behavior change, however, have not been successful in creating lasting change. Until now.  A bestselling, award winning book, Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy to Learn, Proven Communication Skills, by medical educator and researcher, Dr. Georgianna Donadio, focuses provides easy to learn and proven skills that any of us can apply to all types of relationships to create more successful outcomes.

Dr Donadio’s book offers 12 steps to immediately changing how you relate to others and how they relate to you.  Step one begins with recognizing that 50% of the time 90% of us are not focused or paying attention to the conversations – according to a recent Harvard study. When we are with another person our full attention should be on them and not on their inner dialogue about what they are thinking or what they want to say next. Closed body language, looking at our watch, playing with our hair and so forth, send the message that we are not paying attention and that we not interested in what the other person has to say.

As we all want to be valued and know what it feels like to have someone not pay attention to us, when we shift our focus from ourselves to paying attention to the person we are with, the conversation and relationship flourish. Step Two is understanding that holding soft, non-judgmental eye contact with someone communicates that you are fully present to them and also stimulates the limbic portion of the brain to produce oxytocin, the neurotransmitter hormone connected to trust and love.

The book goes on to discuss all 20 dimension and 12 steps to creating fulfilling and successful relationships for yourself and the individuals you communicate with. For more information you can visit www.changingbehavior.org for a free download excerpt from the book.

Best Selling Book Earns 5 Star ForeWord Review

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SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

On Friday, May 4th, 2012 Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy to Learn, Proven Communication Skills, the best selling, #1Top Rated Amazon Kindle Relationships book, was awarded by ForeWord Clarion, the world's largest INDIE book reviewer, its coveted 5 STAR REVIEW. This achievement affords the author use of the digital gold seal that can be applied to and displayed on the book jacket, giving the book the recognition of excellence it deserves. Only a small number of books receive this seal of achievement.

A free excerpt from the book is available at www.changingbehavior.org. Workshops and trainings in the transformative relationship communications research, presented in the book, are also available. For more information contact Providential Publications at provpublications@yahoo.com or 978-332-3682.

 

Are Organic Vegetables Better?

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Are organic vegetables healthier? Do they have more nutrients than conventionally grown vegetables? Several years ago scientists at Rutgers University set-out to specifically disprove any claim that organic produce was more nutritious than non-organic produce. The study used produce from supermarkets and health food stores. The main focus was to analyze the mineral content of the various vegetables and compare them for nutrition value, in particular, mineral content.

The term used today to identify non-organic produce is “commercial” which is grown using a variety of chemicals that either destroys plant pests or chemicals that can enhance plant growth. Many of these chemical are known carcinogens as well as being toxic to the soil and environment.

There has actually been very little “hard data” to prove that organic produce is in any way superior to organic produce, as most folks who purchase “organic” simply believe innately that naturally grown vegetables and fruits, without chemicals and pesticides are intuitively better and healthier.

While the researchers were willing to accept an outcome that might show a very slightly higher content in the organic produce than the commercial, due to the chemicals used to grow the commercial plants, the outcomes of the study shocked the researchers! When they saw that the amount of iron found in the commercial spinach was 97% higher than in the non-organic spinach and that manganese was 99% higher in the organic over the commercial, they were truly amazed. In the commercially grown vegetables many trace elements were completely absent compared to the organic produce where they were abundant.

Here are some comparisons:

• Snap Beans org = 10.45 phosphorus compared to 4.04 in commercial
Snap Beans org = .36 magnesium compared to .22 in commercial
Snap Beans org = 227 boron compared to 10 in commercial
Snap Beans org = 69 iron compared to 3 in commercial
• Cabbage org = 10.38 phosphorus compared to 6.12 in commercial
Cabbage org =  .38 magnesium compared to .18 in commercial
Cabbage org = 94 boron compared to 20 in commercial
Cabbage org = 48 iron compared to .04 in commercial
• Lettuce org = 24.48 phosphorus compared to 7.01 in commercial
Lettuce org = .43 magnesium compared to .22 in commercial
Lettuce org = 516 boron compared to 9 in commercial
Lettuce org = 60 iron compared to 3 in commercial
• Tomatoes org = 14.2 phosphorus compared to 7.01 in commercial
Tomatoes org = .35 magnesium compared to .16 in commercial
Tomatoes org = 1938 boron compared to 1 commercial
Tomatoes org = 53 iron compared to 0 in commercial
• Spinach org = 28.56 phosphorus compared to 12.38 in commercial
Spinach org = .52 magnesium compared to .27 in commercial
Spinach org = 1584 compared to 49 in commercial
Spinach org = 32 iron compared to .3 in commercial
Here’s a disturbing outcome of this study – in all 5 of the tested vegetables: snap beans, cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes and spinach the organic vegetables all contained healthy levels of cobalt, an essential trace mineral compared to the commercial vegetables which contain none!

So, the next time someone tries to argue that there is no difference between organic and commercial vegetables you can share this information with them and then happily buy your organic produce!

With all good wishes,
G

© by NIWH 2012 all rights reserved

Why Some Men Can Not Commit Emotionally

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Recently, a patient was referred to my practice who was experiencing depression and anxiety.  She thought the problem might be nutritional and asked her doctor for a referral. When we began to explore her issues, what she identified as a core problem in her life was that her husband put his mother before her – his wife.

She reported that the son was emotionally tethered to his mother and could not stand up to her. The patient stated that she felt betrayed, rejected and deeply resentful of her mother-in-law and her husband. These were the feelings that were living below her depression.

In researching Whole Health educational material to share with her, I came upon an article that really resonated with her issue. It did not, however, have an author’s name or the date it was written on it but the book referenced below is written by psychotherapist Patti Henry, M.Ed, L.P.C. I believe this is a little talked about issue that is far more prevelant than we realize. Hope you find it as helpful and interesting  as I have.

“There are many reasons why a husband puts his mother on a higher level than his wife, but I have found the most prevalent, by far, is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs in childhood when a child’s emotional self is unwittingly violated.


More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “golden child” sets the child up to feel special. (Sometimes this happens to more than one of the male children in the family.)

 

This happens when the energy in the parent-child relationship gets mixed-up and, rather than the parent taking care of the child’s emotional needs, the child is somehow responsible for taking care of the emotional needs of the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her.  If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it.

If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book.


It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.”

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I wish you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it every day. You can, too.
May this holiday season bring you love and peace.””

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Infertility and Stress

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When a couple desires to have a child together and they are unable to conceive, it can be a time of great stress and upset for both partners. The inability to conceive, and the resulting longing that accompanies it, can be one of the most painful and difficult things a couple can experience together.

A number of years ago, in the New England Journal of Medicine, an article appeared that caught my eye because at that time there were a significant number or couples in my practice who were experiencing infertility. The article stated that often, regardless of the advances in medical technology and the various in-vitro methods available, a woman will ony become pregnant when her body is ready to carry a conception to term.

This wisely suggests that there are a number of reasons a woman may not conceive when she wishes to; and that the body’s innate intelligence knows when the best time and condition for a successful conception and birth of her baby is. The article also went on to say that stress is the number one reason women do not conceive when they wish to.

This is well demonstrated with women who adopt a baby when they cannot conceive, settle into motherhood, only to find that they are pregnant – something they or their doctors did not think would happen. The discussion of why women, in other cultures, become pregnant more easily that women in the US always leads back to our lifestyle and the abundance of stressful living we have in the US.

How does stress actually cause infertility? Here are the facts –

1. When we become stressed for periods of time, our body must make more cortisol, an adrenal hormone that deals with stress adaptation.

2. To provide this additional cortisol, the body diverts the production of sex hormones into the production of cortisol. This reduces fertility. Under stress, sex and reproduction is the first thing the body ignores.

3. Excess levels of cortisol interfere with oxytocin, the hormone required for fertile egg implantation in a woman’s uterus lining.

4. Excess stress over time suppresses the immune function as well as interferes with healthy digestive function that can lead to malnutrition.

If you or someone you know wants to conceive and is having a difficult time, they may greatly benefit from becoming familiar with this information and finding ways to decrease their anxiety about becoming pregnant, or reduce their lifestyle that may be causing high levels of physical stress.

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio