Why Some Men Can Not Commit Emotionally

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Recently, a patient was referred to my practice who was experiencing depression and anxiety.  She thought the problem might be nutritional and asked her doctor for a referral. When we began to explore her issues, what she identified as a core problem in her life was that her husband put his mother before her – his wife.

She reported that the son was emotionally tethered to his mother and could not stand up to her. The patient stated that she felt betrayed, rejected and deeply resentful of her mother-in-law and her husband. These were the feelings that were living below her depression.

In researching Whole Health educational material to share with her, I came upon an article that really resonated with her issue. It did not, however, have an author’s name or the date it was written on it but the book referenced below is written by psychotherapist Patti Henry, M.Ed, L.P.C. I believe this is a little talked about issue that is far more prevelant than we realize. Hope you find it as helpful and interesting  as I have.

“There are many reasons why a husband puts his mother on a higher level than his wife, but I have found the most prevalent, by far, is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs in childhood when a child’s emotional self is unwittingly violated.


More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “golden child” sets the child up to feel special. (Sometimes this happens to more than one of the male children in the family.)

 

This happens when the energy in the parent-child relationship gets mixed-up and, rather than the parent taking care of the child’s emotional needs, the child is somehow responsible for taking care of the emotional needs of the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her.  If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it.

If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book.


It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.”

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I wish you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it every day. You can, too.
May this holiday season bring you love and peace.””

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Tylenol for a Broken Heart?

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Here is a very interesting bit of research. Although I have shared this information on a national blog I write for, the information was so interesting that I wanted to share it again, here with you.

Last year there was a study conducted at the University of Kentucky, College of Arts and Sciences, that was examining the connection and possible overlap between physical pain and emotional pain. This particular study had 62 participants who were filling out the “Hurt Feeling Scale”, a self-assessment tool which measures an individual’s reaction to distressing experiences. In addition, the study was using doses of the active ingredient in Tylenol, acetaminophen, as art of its protocol. 

The researchers separated the study volunteers into two groups. The first group, after filling out their self-assessment tools, were given 1,000 mg of the acetaminophen. This is a dose that is equal to one Extra Strength Tylenol. The control group however, received a placebo  instead of the acetaminophen.

The finding from this study showed that the control group without the acetaminphen, after three weeks, did not experience any change in the amount of intensity of "hurt" feeling during the three week period. However, the group that did receive the active ingredient reported a noticeable reduction of "hurt" feelings on a regular, day-today basis.

The outcomes were so interesting that the researchers started a second study cohort group of 25 different volunteers, but this time upped the amount of acetaminophen to 2,000 mg daily and added computer games that were designed to create social rejection and a feeling of isolation in the participants. Also new to the study was MRI scanning which were able to identify when the participants had feelings of social rejection occur.

Now here is the "gold" of this research – the outcomes demonstrated that the area of the brain where emotional discomfort is felt is the same location that the physical pain is experienced in. This would explain why the group that was taking the acetaminophen, while having not physical pain, reported less feelings of hurt and rejection than the group that was not taking the acetaminophen but rather a placebo substance.

Geoff MacDonald, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Toronto who is an expert in romantic relationships, co-authored this study. MacDonald states that our brain pain centers cannot tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain.
So, while Tylenol is not recommended to be used routinely as it can lead to liver and digestive system disturbances, knowing that it can take away the pain of a broken heart, it may soon be that our therapists as well as our physicians will recommendation that we “take two Tylenol and call me in the morning” for heartache as well as for headache!

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/227298.php http://web.psych.utoronto.ca/gmacdonald/Research%20Interests.html

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Copyright 2011, G. Donadio All Rights Reserved

Infertility and Stress

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When a couple desires to have a child together and they are unable to conceive, it can be a time of great stress and upset for both partners. The inability to conceive, and the resulting longing that accompanies it, can be one of the most painful and difficult things a couple can experience together.

A number of years ago, in the New England Journal of Medicine, an article appeared that caught my eye because at that time there were a significant number or couples in my practice who were experiencing infertility. The article stated that often, regardless of the advances in medical technology and the various in-vitro methods available, a woman will ony become pregnant when her body is ready to carry a conception to term.

This wisely suggests that there are a number of reasons a woman may not conceive when she wishes to; and that the body’s innate intelligence knows when the best time and condition for a successful conception and birth of her baby is. The article also went on to say that stress is the number one reason women do not conceive when they wish to.

This is well demonstrated with women who adopt a baby when they cannot conceive, settle into motherhood, only to find that they are pregnant – something they or their doctors did not think would happen. The discussion of why women, in other cultures, become pregnant more easily that women in the US always leads back to our lifestyle and the abundance of stressful living we have in the US.

How does stress actually cause infertility? Here are the facts –

1. When we become stressed for periods of time, our body must make more cortisol, an adrenal hormone that deals with stress adaptation.

2. To provide this additional cortisol, the body diverts the production of sex hormones into the production of cortisol. This reduces fertility. Under stress, sex and reproduction is the first thing the body ignores.

3. Excess levels of cortisol interfere with oxytocin, the hormone required for fertile egg implantation in a woman’s uterus lining.

4. Excess stress over time suppresses the immune function as well as interferes with healthy digestive function that can lead to malnutrition.

If you or someone you know wants to conceive and is having a difficult time, they may greatly benefit from becoming familiar with this information and finding ways to decrease their anxiety about becoming pregnant, or reduce their lifestyle that may be causing high levels of physical stress.

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

How Your Relationships Impact Your Health

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NIWH is about to publish its first book on transforming relationships using our Behavioral Engagement model of behavior change. The book discusses all the interwoven components of how and why people change their behaviors and the number one overriding factor in why we behave as we do.

At the top of the list is our needs as human beings, right next to food, water and shelter, is the need to be in relationship with others. The Belongingness Theory is held by many psychologists to be rooted in evolution and how humans have been able to survive and thrive in extremely difficult and often dangerous environments. According to the theory, our bodies release neurotransmitter chemicals when we socialize and these neurochemicals have a positive affect on our nevous systems and sense of security and being part of a larger and safer group of others.

We all form what is referred to as “para-relationships” as well. In these realtionships we assoiate ourselves with others like TV characters in sit-coms or with groups of people, like a football team. These attachments allows us to expand our sense of “tribe” and belongingness as well as provide a “reflective” sense of accomplishment or achievement when the groups we associate with win a championship or an Emmy award.

Our realtionships and a sense of belonging are a top priority to all of us. We often lose sight of this until a relationship has ended or someone has passed away. Freud accuratedly said “we are never so hopelessly unhappy as when we lose love.” When it comes to our health, we often do not connect how imperative the experience of loving, being loved and belonging are to our overall well being and immune function. It feels important that from time to time that we remind ourselves about what really matters in our lives as our health and our relationships are intimately intertwined.

Do something good for your self today, and for those you are in relationship with. Take a moment of gratitude for the gift of family, friends, spouse, partner, peers who enrich your life and keep you healthy.

Without the gift of sharing love, our lives and our health suffer.

With all good wishes,
G
© by NIWH 2011 all rights reserved

Fish and Heart Health – a Surprising Study

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The Women’s Health Initiative Observational Study (WHI-OS), which involved 84,493 females aged 50-79 years old, analyzed data over a 10 year period on the effects of various forms of fish consumption and heart failure. At the start of this study none of the participants had heart disease.

Fish is well known as a food which enhances both physical as well as mental health. Fish oil is also reported to be a mental and physical nutrient which reduces disease development and mental deterioration. In evaluating fish and fish oil it would be natural to expect that positive outcomes would be observed and reported.

The study divided the consumption of baked or broiled fish into frequency catagories of less than 1 time per month; 1-3 times per month; 1-2 times per week; 3-4 times per week and greater than 5 times per week.

The study also observed the consumption of fried fish at the frequencies of less than one serving per month; 1-3 times per month and greater than 1 time per week.

The findings, however, were startling. The weekly consumption of 5 or more serving of baked or broiled dark fish, primarily salmon, mackerel and bluefish, was found to lower the risk of heart failure by an impressive 30%. While the consumption of fried fish, just 1 time or more per week, was associated to be related to a 48% increase in heart failure!

Another surprise within this study is that the assumption that taking omega-3 supplements will be as beneficial as eating fish. The study could not identify any significant change in cardiac failure rates that was associated with taking omega-3 supplements.

While the study came to no hard and fast conclusion of why the fried fish was so lethal, the thinking is that there must be some property to the oil when deep fried that creates the negative health affects. Another conclusion was that it appears better to eat fresh fish that is baked or broiled that to reply on fish oil supplements for heart health.

While this is a blow to those of us who love fish and chips, enjoying fish that is well cooked and healthy of our hearts is not a hard thing to get used to.

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

Bisphenol A (BPA) Hidden in Your Food

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Most of us are aware that there are lots of dangerous materials like additives, dyes, pesticides and carcinogens in our foods. What many of us are not aware of is that in the containers that our foods come in, especially take out, there are chemicals in the materials that may be even more harmful than the additives, dyes and pesticides.

By now you have probably heard of the dangers of the toxic chemical Bisphenol A (BPA). This chemical can be found in polycarbonate plastic food containers, bottles and takeout food containers. Numerous articles have been written on breast cancer and prostate cancer that result from exposure to the BPA contained in packaging and containers that carry food stuffs.

Recent, important environmental health study findings were published in March in the online journal Environmental Health Perspectives. A study was conducted by two organizations concerned with the environmental causes of breast cancer, the Breast Cancer Fund and Silent Spring Institute. The study was on the dangers of BPA.

The organizations identified and followed five (5) families who frequently used packaged food and drinks which were made for microwave preparation. The BPA levels of these families, which both consisted of a mother, father and two children, were measured and recorded.

Then, these same families ate fresh, organic food cooked only in glass or stainless steel containers. The immediate results on the level of BPA in their bodies with  the packaged food and fresh food was measured via urine collection, at varied intervals of the testing.

The outcomes were significant with all participants having lowered BPA levels in 72 hour period after the BPA rich packaging was exchanged with glass and stainless steel containers. The average decrease in the BPA was approximately 60%.

The study demonstrated that as quickly as six (6) hours after exposure, half the BPA is eliminated through the urine. However, if the prior use of the BPA rich packaging is resumed, the BPA levels demonstrate a return to the pre-intervention level on urine analysis. When the families resumed their normal diets, their BPA levels returned to pre-intervention levels by the next urine sample. 

What is important about this study is that it demonstrates that we can easily reduce the levels of BPA our bodies are exposed to by eliminating the use of the packaging it is found in and by cooking and preparing our foods more naturally. It is important not to use these BPA rich containers to microwave in as this increases the amount of BPA exposure.

Using glass or ceramic containers in the microwave is healthier and most importantly, they contain no BPA.  By also avoiding canned foods (unless the cans are BPA free) you will cut down on this dangerous exposure for both you and your family.

With all good wishes,
Georgianna

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

The Healing Power of Pets

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While it is generally difficult for large numbers of American to agree on the same issue, it seems when it comes to pets and the value we place on them, there is little disagreement. The 2011 American Pet Products Association (APPA) survey reported that an astounding 62% of all American households have a pet living with them. 

An identified 46.3 million households have dogs for a total of 78.2 million. Cat households total 38.9 million, however, cats out number dogs with a 86.4 million total, which represents that cat pets are generally in multiple numbers in their respective households. Fresh water fish, birds, reptiles and horses, along with small animals such as rabbit, hamsters, and others make up another 25.3 million pets. 

Americans, it appears, have also come to view and treat their pets in human terms. No longer satisfied with relegating the family pet to its own pet identified domain, today’s pet lovers are demanding the highest quality products and services for those they love and are also embracing their pets into all areas of the home.

The majority of pets today share beds and sleeping quarters in their households.  This trend is not confined to the US however. The Jakarta Post, Asia News Network reported that “Having a pet allows a person to learn to take care of something and elevates the sense of caring, which positively supports the development of well-being,” said Monty P. Satiadarma, a psychologist at the Tarumanagara University in Jakarta. Pets are a hit around the world.

In terms of dollars and cents – expenditure on pets for 2010-2011 is in excess of 50 billion dollars.  That is correct 50 billion. It is easy to imagine that this number must be a mistake as this represents more money being spent on pets in the United State than the gross national product for all but 64 countries around the world.

This 50 billion dollar figure also represents almost double the approximately $30 billion dollars Americans spend on popular activities such as going to movies, video games, or for listening to recorded music. Of the 50 billion spent on pets, 25 billion was spent on pet medical care and over the counter, as well as prescription medication, all without the benefit of health insurance to cover the cost.

The 38% of non-pet households are for the most part made up of individuals with allergies, who live in apartments or living environments that do not welcome pets and those who have no time left in their over scheduled lives to care for a pet. It seems people of all ages, ranging from infants to very elderly enjoy and welcome the company of pets.

The presence of pets is so popular today that nursing facilities host therapy pets on a regular basis. The one down side to this practice is that sometimes the residents start arguing and competing over who gets to keep the cat, dog or bird with them for the day.

What fuels our passion for pets? It is really quite simple. Our pets love us unconditionally. They listen to us, don’t complain or express disappointment in who we are. They provide companionship without the politics or agenda of most human relationships.  They accept our love and affection the way we to give it and best of all – they happily return it.

Our pets are the ultimate loving family member and we are now treating them as such. Can anyone blame us? Social networking has become the way we communicate and “do” relationships. These days it is often over e-mail and text messages that we are starting relationships or ending them, sharing major life events – even proposing marriage. The intimate contact with other human beings even 10 years ago, before the dominance of the internet and cell phones, is being replaced by our pets.

The American Pet Product Manufacturers Association (APPMA) estimates that this year millions of pet owners will purchase a Valentine’s gift for their pet, spending an average of $17 for the gift. Consumers will also spend an average of $6.30 on friends, $4.97 on classmates and teachers, and $3.41 on co-workers. What does this tell us?

Pets are not only beloved companions, but are also healers. Dogs have long been known for their service as seeing-eye dogs, but the use of dogs and other pets in numerous areas of healing and health monitoring are becoming widely utilized. Dogs who alert their companions for seizures or “sniff out” cancer, or pigs and horses that assist with helping draw out autistic children are easily found on the news or the internet. Therapy cats lower blood pressure, slow down heart rate and reduce depression and stress while providing companionship and affection.

A study by researcher Dr. Karen Allen, at the State University of New York, at Buffalo, identified that individuals suffering from hypertension after adopting a dog or cat had lower blood pressure reading during stressful situations than their counter parts who did not have a pet companion.

The National Institute of Technology Assessment Workshop, Health Benefits of Pets, identified that pets provide greater psychological stability which protects not only from heart disease and other stress related conditions but also reduces depression.  In the same study pets have been shown to lower the cost of health care as individuals with pets make fewer doctor visits, especially “for non-serious medical conditions”.

A Perdue University study demonstrated that when seniors face traumas or other adversity, the affection received from their pets and the bond between them, helps prevent depression and loneliness. Animals provide emotional support, which is an essential component for health and healing.

Pets enhance our psychological and physical well being. They love us, heal us and help us live longer and often provide more honest, non-judgmental and loving relationships than our human companions. Perhaps the health care reformists should modify Harry Truman’s “chicken in every pot” to “a pet in every home” to improve the health of Americans and reducing healthcare  costs.

All the best,
G
Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

Delicious and Nutritious

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Good news – it is berry picking and eating season.  Blueberries, raspberries, strawberries and blackberries can once again be found in grocery store isles, “pick your own” farm stands and local organic coops.

Blueberries, raspberries, blackberries and strawberries are some of the more popular berries found in the grocery produce section. However, other berries, such as mulberries, boysenberries, huckleberries and cranberries are also popping up this season.

Not only are berries of all kinds delicious, but they have been shown, as all fruits and vegetables have, to contain phytosterols that provide many health benefits and work overtime to prevent disease. Research does show that berries are among the fruits highest in antioxidant content and that they are excellent sources of several phytochemicals that seem to help block cancer development.

Researchers at Clemson University looked into the cancer fighting potential of various types and berries. In the Journal of Medicinal Foodthe scientists note: “Plants are proven sources of useful anti-tumor and chemo-preventative compounds. Hence, identification of phytochemicals useful in dietary prevention and intervention of cancer is of paramount importance.”  

The research team went on to further conclude that “Juice from strawberry, blueberry, and raspberry fruit significantly inhibited mutagenesis.” Meaning – that berries have high levels of anti-cancer properties that make them an ideal part of any diet.

Some of the best ways to enjoy berries and get the best health benefits from them is to blend them together in fresh fruit salads. A bowl of fresh berries acts as a “health tonic” that is not only delicious, but easy and convenient to prepare as well as one of the most intense disease prevention treats you can find.

Another popular and easy way to enjoy berries is in smoothies, either plain with a dollop of ice cream or yogurt; or with crushed ice chips and a sliced banana to add thickness and more delicious nutrients.

Enjoy these wonderful fruits, become nourished and prevent disease all at the same time.

With all good wishes,
G

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

 

Men, Women and Apologies

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For most of us it does not come as a surprise that men and women really do think, behave and are in many fundamental ways different from one another. We also know that hormones play a large role in these differences.

Now science is beginning to unravel the specifics on how males and female brains function in large part because of male and female hormones which craft our brain development and orient our behaviors.

Two new studies look at the brain function of men and women and offer some interesting observations regarding the subject. One study is from the University of California in collaboration with the University of New Mexico, led by researcher Richard Haier, a psychology professor at the University of California.

The findings of their study shows that generally men have 6.5 times the amount of gray matter relating to general intelligence compared with women. Women on the other hand have nearly 10 times the amount of white matter related to intelligence compared to men.

“These findings suggest that human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior,” said Haier. But apparently these types of intelligent behaviors manifest differently.

Women apologize more often than men do, according to a new study led by researcher Karina Schumann, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada. It’ appears it not that men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing, they simply have a different perception regarding what they feel rises to the level of requiring an apology.

The research team saw no difference in the number of times men and women acted in ways that elicited apologies, but there was a distinct difference in the male and female perception of what constituted a situation that requires an apology.

“Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions,” says Schumann. “It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they [men] do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.”

“Ladies” – did we really need research to confirm this?

With all good wishes,
G

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio

More than Skin Deep

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Any teenager can attest to how distressing a face full of acne is.  Clear, unblemished skin is universally the number one and most important feature in attracting others. This basic law of attraction is because our skin is the largest component to our immune system – and healthy skin reflects a healthy body, which is required for reproducing.

In the US, hundreds of millions of dollars are spent yearly on acne and blemish remedies and cover-ups. Our skin’s appearance is tied to our sex appeal and for most people being attractive to others is important. 

In the 30 years I have been practicing Whole Health nutrition, working with young adolescents to clear up their skin problems and facilitate their sense of self-esteem and well-being, is one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had in my practice. Educating teenagers about where and why acne develops provides them with the ability to make choices that can change the course of their outbreaks.

It all starts with androgens, which are reproductive hormones secreted into the blood stream by the productive organs and our stress adaptation system – our adrenal glands.  Androgens are potent “chemicals” that our liver must deal with by reducing their potency.

The liver detoxifies the blood and when dealing with androgens, the liver produces blood plasma proteins which bind up and inactivate the majority of androgens, so that only a small percent of androgens are free to enter our cells.

During adolescence, the body is going through a huge hormonal change and all parts of the body needs time to adjust to and regulate hormone secretions. Because of the complex functions of hormones,  a young body can become physically and even psychologically overwhelmed by the effect of androgens on the body functions and the brain.

How acne develops is when the androgens enter the cells, a specific enzyme converts the presenting androgens and makes them more active. The active androgens enter the nucleus of the cell and interacts with genetic material. This can lead to highly stimulated oil glands, and it is these highly stimulated oil glands that lead to the formation of acne.

Thee are several factors that determine the degree and amount of acne:

a) amount of androgens entering the cells 

b) how well the liver controls the active androgens

c) the person’s nutrition and liver function

d) the amount of waste and/or toxins being re-absorbed into the liver from the bowel environment and – THIS IS THE KEY –

e) the amount of exercise the adolescent is doing that will utilize the androgens to build and create muscle tissue (rather than acne), thus reducing the amount of androgen that might be absorbed into the cells.

Especially in young males, but this applies to females as well, the fastest and easiest way to clear up adolescent acne, is have the person EXERCISE vigorously. Through the use of androgens by the body to build muscle rather than be available to interact with genetic material in the cell, rather quickly the androgens are re-directed to enhance strength and development rather than creating skin problems. The young patients and their parents think its a miracle, but its actually simple biochemistry.

In addition, healthy eating of lots of vegetables and fruits to keep the bowel clean, drinking plenty of water, skin hygiene and proper amounts of sleep, all help the liver, bowel and adrenals to function properly, which supports an overall healthy body with resultant glowing, attractive skin. 

The expression “it’s more than skin deep” clearly applies to acne and skin blemishes. You may want to share this information with someone having acne issues because if they use it – they will see a difference. 

With all good wishes,
G

Copyright 2011 G. Donadio All Rights Reserved